Your car-buying horoscope.

We consulted the stars, a lot of coffee and nearly a decade on the dealership side of the desk. The stars had no comment on APR. We do. Find your sign, read your forecast, then read the part at the bottom, which works for every sign, including the ones who think this is nonsense (hi, Capricorn).

The forecast, sign by sign

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You test-drove it at 11:00 and signed at 11:40. Speed is your gift and your curse. Your move: write your out-the-door ceiling down before you leave the house. When the number passes it, you leave too.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

You love leather seats, a quiet cabin and the dealership popcorn. Once you name a price, you do not move. Iconic. Your move: make sure the number you won’t budge on is the out-the-door price, not the payment.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)

You’re cross-shopping four models, three dealers and a lease. Your notes app is a crime scene. Your move: compare like for like: one out-the-door quote per car, same term, same down. Leases go on their own sheet; see lease strategy.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)

You feel bad saying no to the nice salesperson, who showed you photos of their dog. Your move: kind and firm aren’t opposites. “Thanks, I’m going to pass on that” is both.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Top trim. Loud color. You want the whole parking lot to notice. Your move: pick the loan term before the trim. Main character energy does not survive an 84-month loan.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You arrived with a spreadsheet, three printed quotes and a highlighter. The sales manager felt a disturbance in the force. Your move: don’t forget the trade. Two written outside offers before you go; see trade-in help.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Two cars, both lovely, so you ask the salesperson to pick. Your move: decide at home with a test-drive scorecard, not in the showroom at hour three.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You trust no one, which is honestly a great start. Your move: aim the suspicion at the contract. Compare price, rate, term and amount financed against the worksheet before you sign.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You bought a convertible in November for a road trip you haven’t planned. Your move: insurance quote and a pre-purchase inspection before the adventure, not after.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You want the ROI on the floor mats. Respect. Your move: you’ll love the math in rebate vs 0% APR. Sometimes the cash beats the rate.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You want an EV, a manual, or something nobody at the store has driven. Your move: run the total-cost math, including insurance and charging, before you fall for it.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You fell in love with the color. Then the name of the color. Your move: the color will still be there tomorrow. Ask for the numbers in writing and sleep on it.

Mercury retrograde, for car buyers

Is there a cosmically correct time to buy a car? The stars say ask your mother. Dealers say “today.” The honest answer: timing can help a little. End of the month, quarter or year can line up with sales targets, and the model-year changeover can put last year’s cars on sale. None of that is guaranteed, and none of it beats being prepared. The Hub’s best time to buy a car guide has the details.

The planets that actually decide your deal are much less mysterious: your credit, your pre-approval, your trade offers and whether you got the price in writing before you arrived.

Compatibility chart

Best match for every sign: a dealer who emails an itemized out-the-door price. Worst match for every sign: a four-square worksheet at 8 pm. Rising sign: whatever you were before the finance office. Moon sign: what you become after it.

Satire about sales tactics, not people. Characters are made up; the tips are real. Laws vary by state.