Texts from a car salesman at 9 pm, decoded.

Your phone buzzes at 9:07 pm. It isn’t the group chat. It’s “Car Guy,” a contact you saved three weeks ago after one test drive and have regretted ever since. Here is the thread, a translation of each text and what to send back. The texts are made up. If they look exactly like your phone, that’s the joke.

The thread

9:07 pm · “Hey!! It’s Car Guy from the dealership 😊 still thinking about that SUV?”

Translation: you’re on tonight’s follow-up list. Completely normal; stores track every lead and someone has to text it. Send back: “Yes. Can you email me the out-the-door price, itemized?”

9:09 pm · “Manager just approved SPECIAL pricing but I can only hold it til tomorrow 🔥”

Translation: there may be a better number, and there is definitely a countdown clock. Send back: “Great, please email it itemized.” A real price survives until Thursday.

9:14 pm · “What monthly payment would get you driving it home this weekend?”

Translation: “Please give me the number I build the whole deal backwards from.” Send back: “I’m shopping the out-the-door price. I have my own financing.” See the four-square for why.

9:20 pm · “Good news!! Your trade value went up 🙌”

Translation: maybe the market moved. Maybe the price moved with it. Send back: “Please send the price and the trade number separately, in writing.” Then compare with your outside offers; see trade-in help.

9:31 pm · “Send me a pic of ur license and social and I’ll get u pre-approved real quick”

Translation: please don’t. Send back: “I’ll handle financing through my lender’s secure application.” Never text your Social Security number to anyone. More on pre-approval.

9:48 pm · “Just checking in! 👋”

Translation: it has been 17 minutes. Send back: nothing yet. Silence is allowed.

10:02 pm · “Heads up, another customer is coming to see it at 10am”

Translation: urgency, the late-night edition. There are other cars. There are always other cars.

10:15 pm · “?”

Translation: the single question mark. The most powerful punctuation in sales. Send back: whenever you want, or never.

Why the texts come at night

It’s not personal, and it’s usually not a plot. Dealership salespeople work long days, evenings and weekends, and the store’s software assigns follow-up tasks on every lead: call, text, email, repeat. When the showroom quiets down, the follow-ups go out. The person texting you might be on hour eleven of their own day.

The joke is the script, not the salesperson. The script is built to do three things by text: keep the conversation on the monthly payment, create a deadline, and get your information. Your job is to move it to the one thing that’s actually useful in writing: the itemized out-the-door price.

Turn the texts into a weapon (a polite one)

Text is actually a great way to buy a car. It’s in writing, it’s timestamped and you can do it from the couch. Paste this into any dealer thread:

Send the same message to three stores and compare the answers line by line. The Hub has more quote templates, plus what to do when a store answers with a payment instead of a price.

Want the texts to stop? Tell them you bought elsewhere, or reply STOP; business texting is generally required to honor opt-outs.

Satire about sales tactics, not people. Characters are made up; the tips are real. Laws vary by state.