Your car salesman’s tier list of excuses, ranked.

Every dealership has a playlist. You’ve heard the hits. We ranked them from S-tier (legendary, timeless, still works on smart people) to F-tier (please, at least try). Jokes about the script, not the people reading it: most salespeople hate half of these too.

S-tier: the GOATs

“Another couple is looking at this exact car. They’re coming back at 4.”

The undisputed champion. Creates urgency out of thin air. Sometimes it’s even true. Doesn’t matter: if this car sells, the same model exists at another store, and a deal that only works under a stopwatch isn’t a good deal.

“This price is only good today.”

Timeless. Elegant. Almost never true. If it’s good today because of a month-end target, it’ll usually still be close next week, and you can ask for it in writing either way.

“My manager is going to kill me for this.”

Your salesperson will survive. Promise. The manager approved the number before it reached you.

A-tier: strong performers

“We’re already below invoice.”

Invoice isn’t the dealer’s true cost. Holdback, factory incentives and dealer cash sit underneath it. Below invoice can still be profitable.

“The doc fee is required by the state.”

Some states cap doc fees. Very few require one. It’s a dealer charge. Ask for the price reduced to offset it.

“The add-ons are already installed, we can’t take them off.”

Then they can come off the price. VIN etching that’s already etched is still an optional charge.

B-tier: mid

“Your trade is worth less because of the market.”

Sometimes legit: wholesale values move. Get two outside offers and you’ll know whether it’s the market or the margin. Our trade-in page shows the math.

“We can’t give you an out-the-door price over email.”

They can. Many do. The ones who won’t are telling you what the visit will be like.

C-tier and below: please try harder

“The bank requires the extended warranty.”

F-tier, and a red flag. Optional products are optional. If anyone says the lender requires one, ask for that requirement in writing from the lender. Watch how fast the subject changes.

“Those are dealer-installed nitrogen tires.”

D-tier. It’s air. Mostly. See our nitrogen list.

“The computer won’t let me change that.”

C-tier. The computer is very obedient when the manager wants it to be.

“If you leave, I can’t guarantee this car will be here.”

C-tier. Correct, and also fine. There are other cars. There are always other cars.

Notice the pattern? Every line, from S to F, pushes you to decide now, in the store, without comparing. That’s the whole game. Your only job is to slow it down and get things in writing.

Honorable mentions

Didn’t make the list but deserve respect: “I’m new, so I really need this one” (sometimes true, still not your problem), “we just had a price increase this morning” (bold), and the all-time classic, a salesperson saying “let me see what I can do” and then doing nothing for 25 minutes. Each one is the same move wearing a different hat: decide now, here, without comparing.

Satire about sales tactics, not people. Characters are made up; the tips are real. Laws vary by state.