Things that are less painful than a $899 “nitrogen tire” add-on.

Somewhere on the addendum sticker, right below “Pro-Tect Package” and right above the VIN etching, lives a line item that says nitrogen. Sometimes it’s $199. Sometimes it’s bundled into an $899 package. Either way, here’s some perspective.

The official list, ranked by pain

1. Stepping on a LEGO at 3 am. Brief. Honest. Free.
2. A four-hour layover with 3% phone battery.
3. Reading the terms and conditions of literally anything.
4. Your group project partner saying “I can present.”
5. Assembling flat-pack furniture with one missing screw.
6. Hearing your own voice on a voicemail.
7. Your mom discovering your TikTok.
8. The 11 minutes of ads before a 30-second video.
9. Paying $899 for the air that was already in the tires. Air is about 78% nitrogen. You were already getting most of the product.

OK but is nitrogen actually bad?

No. Nitrogen fills are fine. Purer nitrogen may leak through rubber a little more slowly than regular air, so pressure can stay steadier. That’s real. What isn’t real is the price. Plenty of tire shops fill nitrogen for a few dollars a tire or include it free with tires, and you still need to check your pressure monthly either way.

Nitrogen is just the mascot. It lives on the dealer addendum (the second sticker next to the factory window sticker) with its friends: VIN etching for a few hundred dollars, paint and fabric “protection,” door edge guards, wheel locks, and the “appearance package.” Each costs the store very little. Together they can add $1,000 to $3,000 to a price you thought you’d already negotiated.

Things worth paying for (sometimes)

We’re not anti-everything. Some products can make sense at the right price, for the right person: GAP if you’re putting little or nothing down on a long loan (often cheaper through your insurer or credit union), or a manufacturer-backed service contract on a car you plan to keep past the factory warranty. The key word is “price.” The same coverage can cost two or three times more depending on where and how you buy it.

The dealer will usually say pre-installed items can’t be removed. That may be physically true for etching. It’s not true for the price. The line can come off the deal or come off the price; either works.

The addendum, line by line

Nitrogen

Fine. Not worth hundreds. Covered.

VIN etching

The car’s VIN etched on the windows to deter theft. Some insurers give a small discount; DIY kits cost about $20 to $30. Dealer price is often a few hundred dollars.

Paint and fabric protection

A sealant and a warranty-style promise. Read what it actually covers before you pay for it.

Door edge guards, wheel locks, mudflaps

Real items with small real costs and large dealer prices.

“Market adjustment”

Not an add-on, just profit with a name tag. Negotiable, often to zero.

Why the addendum exists at all

New-car margins can be thin on popular models, so stores look for profit elsewhere: the trade, the financing, the finance-office menu and the addendum. That’s not a conspiracy, it’s a business model. You don’t have to fund it. A dealer that prices its cars fairly without a pile of extras exists in most markets; out-the-door quotes from three stores will tell you which one it is.

Satire about sales tactics, not people. Characters are made up; the tips are real. Laws vary by state.