The FML Files · caption bank
30 ready-to-post captions. One a day.
Each links to an article in The FML Files. Use the LinkedIn-safe version on LinkedIn; the spicy one on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok. Hit copy, paste, post. The link comes along.
#1 · FML vs FMYCAR: a field guide
LinkedIn-safe
FML was how most people felt after their last car deal. We built FMYCAR so the next one goes differently. A field guide to the difference: one number, three conversations, zero surprises.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/fml-vs-fmycar/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
FML = your last car deal. FMYCAR = the next one. The F isn’t for f***ing around with car dealerships. It’s for “Finally, someone on my side.” 😤🚗 #carbuying #FMYCAR
https://fmycar.com/laughs/fml-vs-fmycar/#2 · FML vs FMYCAR: a field guide
LinkedIn-safe
The most expensive sentence in car buying: “I’m looking for a payment around $500.” Here is what to say instead.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/fml-vs-fmycar/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
If you told the salesman your monthly budget, I have bad news. You got F’d with a smile. Here’s how to not do that again 👇 #cartok
https://fmycar.com/laughs/fml-vs-fmycar/#3 · FML vs FMYCAR: a field guide
LinkedIn-safe
What does FMYCAR stand for? Officially: Finally, someone on my side. An independent, advice-only car-buying service. No dealer pays us.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/fml-vs-fmycar/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
What does FMYCAR stand for? Officially “Finally, someone on my side.” Unofficially… you already know. 😏 #FMYCAR
https://fmycar.com/laughs/fml-vs-fmycar/#4 · The 7 stages of grief at the finance office
LinkedIn-safe
The finance office is where a second sale begins after you’ve agreed on a price. The seven stages most buyers go through, and the one sentence that ends it.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/finance-office-7-stages-of-grief/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Stage 1: shock. Stage 3: anger at a $4,295 “Platinum” warranty. Stage 7: realizing it was ALL optional the whole time. 💀 The 7 stages of F&I grief: #carbuying #financeoffice
https://fmycar.com/laughs/finance-office-7-stages-of-grief/#5 · The 7 stages of grief at the finance office
LinkedIn-safe
Every product on the F&I menu is optional. The car is still yours if you decline all of them. Here is how to get through the finance office in 20 minutes.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/finance-office-7-stages-of-grief/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
“It’ll only take ten minutes” — the finance manager, 2 hours ago. How to get out of F&I without getting F’d: #dealership
https://fmycar.com/laughs/finance-office-7-stages-of-grief/#6 · Translating dealer-speak: what “let me talk to my manager” really means
LinkedIn-safe
“Let me talk to my manager” is partly real and partly pacing. A translation guide to ten common dealership phrases, with what to say back.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealer-speak-translated/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
“Let me talk to my manager” = 9 minutes of granola bar in a glass box so you get nervous. 🍫 Dealer-speak, translated: #cartok #carsalesman
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealer-speak-translated/#7 · Translating dealer-speak: what “let me talk to my manager” really means
LinkedIn-safe
“What monthly payment are you looking for?” is the most important question not to answer at a dealership. Here is why, and the sentence to use instead.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealer-speak-translated/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
When the salesman asks “what payment are you looking for?” just stare into his soul and say “out-the-door price.” 😐 More translations: #carbuying
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealer-speak-translated/#8 · Translating dealer-speak: what “let me talk to my manager” really means
LinkedIn-safe
“We’re losing money on this deal.” Dealers have holdback, incentives, financing reserve and F&I products. A useful translation of dealer language.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealer-speak-translated/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
“We’re literally losing money on this deal” 🥲 sir this building has an espresso machine. Translated: #dealerlife
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealer-speak-translated/#9 · Your car salesman’s tier list of excuses, ranked
LinkedIn-safe
We ranked the most common dealership lines from S-tier to F-tier, with what is actually true behind each one.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/car-salesman-excuses-tier-list/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Car salesman excuses ranked 🏆 S-tier: “another couple is looking at it.” F-tier: “the bank requires the warranty.” Full tier list: #tierlist #carsalesman
https://fmycar.com/laughs/car-salesman-excuses-tier-list/#10 · Your car salesman’s tier list of excuses, ranked
LinkedIn-safe
If anyone tells you a lender requires an extended warranty for approval, ask to see that requirement in writing from the lender.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/car-salesman-excuses-tier-list/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
“The bank requires the extended warranty” 🚩🚩🚩 Cool, show me where the bank wrote that down. #carbuying #redflag
https://fmycar.com/laughs/car-salesman-excuses-tier-list/#11 · Your car salesman’s tier list of excuses, ranked
LinkedIn-safe
“This price is only good today” is rarely true in a meaningful way. Ask for the offer in writing and compare it.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/car-salesman-excuses-tier-list/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
“This price is only good today.” Babe, it’s Tuesday. It’ll be good Thursday too. 💅 #carsalesman
https://fmycar.com/laughs/car-salesman-excuses-tier-list/#12 · Things that are less painful than a $899 “nitrogen tire” add-on
LinkedIn-safe
Air is about 78% nitrogen. A short, funny look at dealer add-ons, which ones can be worth it, and how to get the rest off your deal.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/worse-than-nitrogen-tire-add-on/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Things less painful than paying $899 for nitrogen in your tires: stepping on a LEGO, group projects, your mom finding your TikTok. Air is 78% nitrogen 💀 #carbuying
https://fmycar.com/laughs/worse-than-nitrogen-tire-add-on/#13 · Things that are less painful than a $899 “nitrogen tire” add-on
LinkedIn-safe
The addendum sticker can add $1,000 to $3,000 to a price you already negotiated. Here is the one sentence that removes it.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/worse-than-nitrogen-tire-add-on/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
The dealer: “we respect that you negotiated.” Also the dealer: *adds $1,800 of VIN etching and nitrogen* 😭 How to kill the addendum: #dealership
https://fmycar.com/laughs/worse-than-nitrogen-tire-add-on/#14 · How to leave a dealership without a 6-hour hostage situation
LinkedIn-safe
Buying a car shouldn’t take six hours. A five-step plan to keep your visit short, including getting your keys back after a trade appraisal.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/how-to-leave-a-dealership/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
POV: you came in for a “quick test drive” at 11. It’s 5:15. Your keys have been “with the appraiser” since the Obama administration. 🔑 Extraction plan: #cartok
https://fmycar.com/laughs/how-to-leave-a-dealership/#15 · How to leave a dealership without a 6-hour hostage situation
LinkedIn-safe
The strongest negotiating move at a dealership is free: “I need to think about it. Please send me the numbers in writing.”
https://fmycar.com/laughs/how-to-leave-a-dealership/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Standing up is the strongest negotiating move in a dealership. It’s free. Use it. 🧍 #carbuying #dealership
https://fmycar.com/laughs/how-to-leave-a-dealership/#16 · How to leave a dealership without a 6-hour hostage situation
LinkedIn-safe
People who buy a car in two hours did their negotiating at home. Here is the pre-visit checklist.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/how-to-leave-a-dealership/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Hour 4 at the dealership hits different. Here’s how to buy a car in 2 hours instead of 6 ⏱️ #lifehack
https://fmycar.com/laughs/how-to-leave-a-dealership/#17 · The “four-square” explained with pizza
LinkedIn-safe
The four-square worksheet, explained with pizza: why focusing on the price per slice makes you pay more for the whole pie.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/four-square-explained-with-pizza/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
The four-square explained with pizza 🍕 Vinny cut your pizza into 12 slices instead of 8 and you thanked him. That’s an 84-month car loan. #carbuying
https://fmycar.com/laughs/four-square-explained-with-pizza/#18 · The “four-square” explained with pizza
LinkedIn-safe
Cutting the pizza into more slices doesn’t make it cheaper. Why the loan term matters more than the payment.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/four-square-explained-with-pizza/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
If the salesman pulls out a sheet of paper with a cross on it, you’re about to get F’d with a Sharpie. 🖊️ The four-square, explained: #dealership
https://fmycar.com/laughs/four-square-explained-with-pizza/#19 · Signs you’re about to get yo-yo financed
LinkedIn-safe
Yo-yo financing: when a dealer calls days after you drive home to say your financing fell through. Nine warning signs and what to do.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/signs-of-yo-yo-financing/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
You drove it home. You posted it. Then the dealer calls: “small problem with the financing.” 🪀 9 signs you’re about to get yo-yo’d: #carbuying
https://fmycar.com/laughs/signs-of-yo-yo-financing/#20 · Signs you’re about to get yo-yo financed
LinkedIn-safe
“Your financing fell through” is a sentence, not a contract. Know your options before you sign anything new.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/signs-of-yo-yo-financing/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
“Your financing fell through, come sign this new contract at 18%” — no. 🙅 What to do instead: #consumerrights
https://fmycar.com/laughs/signs-of-yo-yo-financing/#21 · Rating dealership coffee vs. their APR
LinkedIn-safe
Dealers can mark up the interest rate a lender approves you for. Two points on $30,000 over 60 months is about $1,700. A pre-approval fixes it.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-coffee-vs-apr/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Rated dealership coffee vs their APR ☕ Espresso: 8/10, free. Popcorn: 9/10, free. The 2-point rate markup: 2/10, costs $1,700. #carbuying
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-coffee-vs-apr/#22 · Rating dealership coffee vs. their APR
LinkedIn-safe
The coffee at the dealership is free. The rate markup is not. How buy rate and dealer reserve work.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-coffee-vs-apr/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Two points of APR markup = roughly 340 fancy espressos. Bring your own financing and keep the espressos. ☕💸 #moneytok
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-coffee-vs-apr/#23 · A breakup letter to your 84-month loan
LinkedIn-safe
An 84-month loan on $35,000 at 9% costs about $3,700 more in interest than 60 months. A breakup letter, with an exit plan.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/breakup-letter-84-month-loan/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Dear 84-month car loan: it’s not me. It’s your $3,700 of extra interest. 💔 The breakup letter: #carloan #moneytok
https://fmycar.com/laughs/breakup-letter-84-month-loan/#24 · A breakup letter to your 84-month loan
LinkedIn-safe
Choose the loan term before you choose the car. If a car only fits your budget at 84 months, the car is the problem.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/breakup-letter-84-month-loan/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
If the car only fits at 84 months, the car is the problem bestie. 🚩 #carbuying #personalfinance
https://fmycar.com/laughs/breakup-letter-84-month-loan/#25 · The Gen Z guide to buying a first car without getting cooked
LinkedIn-safe
A first-car guide for younger buyers: budget, insurance, co-signers, used vs new, and the dealership moves that hit first-time buyers hardest.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/gen-z-first-car-guide/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
First car with a $780 payment and 25% APR? You got cooked 🍳 Gen Z guide to buying a first car without getting cooked: #firstcar #genz
https://fmycar.com/laughs/gen-z-first-car-guide/#26 · The Gen Z guide to buying a first car without getting cooked
LinkedIn-safe
If you’re under 25, get an insurance quote on the exact car before you buy. It can cost almost as much as the payment.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/gen-z-first-car-guide/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Nobody: … Insurance when you’re 22 with a sports car: 💀💀💀 Get the quote BEFORE you sign. #firstcar
https://fmycar.com/laughs/gen-z-first-car-guide/#27 · The Gen Z guide to buying a first car without getting cooked
LinkedIn-safe
A co-signer is fully responsible for the loan. What to agree on before a parent co-signs a first car loan.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/gen-z-first-car-guide/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
A co-signer isn’t a reference. It’s your mom’s credit score riding shotgun. 🚗👩 #genz #carbuying
https://fmycar.com/laughs/gen-z-first-car-guide/#28 · Bingo card for your next dealership visit
LinkedIn-safe
A free printable car-dealership bingo card. Naming a tactic takes its power away. Bring a friend.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-bingo-card/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Printed car dealership bingo for your next visit 🎱 “Let me talk to my manager” ✅ Nitrogen ✅ Hour 4 ✅ BINGO. Free card: #carbuying
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-bingo-card/#29 · Bingo card for your next dealership visit
LinkedIn-safe
Five in a row and you win the right to say “I need to think about it” and leave. Printable bingo card, plus what each square means.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-bingo-card/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Tag the friend who needs to bring this bingo card to the dealership 👇🎱 Five in a row = you leave. #cartok #FMYCAR
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-bingo-card/#30 · Bingo card for your next dealership visit
LinkedIn-safe
The free square on our dealership bingo card: asking for the out-the-door price. It ends most of these games before they start.
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-bingo-card/Spicy · Facebook / TikTok
Free square on dealership bingo: “you asked for the out-the-door price.” Watch the salesman’s face. 😶 #carbuying #FMYCAR
https://fmycar.com/laughs/dealership-bingo-card/
Taglines and sign-offs
- FMYCAR. Because your last car deal was an FML.
- The F stands for “Finally, someone on my side.”
- Don’t get F’d on your next car.
- FML was your last car deal. FMYCAR is the next one.
- Don’t get F’d. Get FMYCAR.
- Independent. Advice-only. Allergic to junk fees.
House rules: censor the profanity (f***, s**t), joke about tactics and the system, never name a real dealership or person, never punch at a group. Every post links to something genuinely useful.